Life

it's beautiful.
it's frustrating.
it's difficult.
it's amazing.
it's tiring.
it's magnificent.
it's boring.
it's splendid.
it's complicated.
it's wonderful.
it's different every day.
But the best thing about it is that it's yours. We each have one. Live it the way you want to. Live it so that you're happy. You deserve happiness. We all do.

I'm going to a Bra Store today. Lol.

And I'm on the site right now. It says;

"Bras are made generically. Women are not."

And then it goes on to her saying how she'll help find the right bra for anyone. So. I'm like really excited. That's probably a weird thing to be excited about but I don't care :)

I am so confused.

There's this one side of me that's screaming "Go for it!" You'll never know what could have been unless you try it, right?! He makes you feel so good about yourself, and you know you'd always be happy around him. He's so sweet, and genuinely cares about you. Forget about what other people would say! It's your life, not theirs.

..and then there's this other side,

No. It's just not the right time yet. If you don't feel 100% then why jump into a relationship? Mom says the point in dating is to find a husband for when you're ready to get married, and I'm not ready for THAT yet. I like being single. I like having my options open, but he's always been there. Don't jump into this and ruin your friendship.

UGH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

Honestly, I hate myself today.

I feel so ugly. I feel disgusted with myself. Honestly, why has society made it seem like the normal thing for girls to be stick thin and drop dead gorgeous? That's not even real. I've cried for hours because I went to a bathing suit store and came out with nothing. Again. I can't take this anymore. I don't feel pretty, regardless of what people tell me. I'm so self-conscious about the way I look and I wish I wasn't. I know that God made me this way, but why? Why couldn't He have given my body to someone else, and let me have the cute one that fits into every item of clothing? It's just not fair. And I hate myself for saying all that. I'm just, I'm just sad and I feel kind of hopeless at this point. I was supposed to hangout with one of my best friends today, (Mackenzie, that's you) but my phone broke so we took it to the store and they said they'd fix it. In the meantime, I went to that bathing suit store with my mom and cried the whole way home because NOTHING looked good on me. NOTHING ever does. Then we went back to Sprint, and they said my phone was basically unfixable. So... that was great. I guess I'm getting a new one tomorrow. But I still can't believe how repulsed I am at myself. I wish I could feel beautiful in a bathing suit. I wish I could feel beautiful, really in anything. It's sad that I don't. It's sad that anyone doesn't. I have all these great friends, and I listen to their problems and worries all the time, and I have no problem with that. I guess I just don't want to tell anyone any of my problems, or my worries. I don't want to put something else on top of them. I can worry about myself. But today, I feel like nothing I do is right. Nothing I wear looks good. And I'm sitting here alone in my bedroom crying. I guess it's life, right?

I need to follow my heart.

It doesn't matter what anyone else says. The judgement that I might face doesn't matter to me anymore. I need to get out there, stop hiding in this shell I've created, and live my life. You are what makes me happy. You. Why is that hard to admit to myself? I like you, for everything you are. You make me feel like I'm not just another person on the planet. You make me feel like I'm not your average every day girl. I need to stop blocking myself from seeing that the happiness I've been wanting is sitting right infront of me. You've been there from the start. I'm sorry I've kept you waiting. You deserve someone much better than me. But I think this could work. I think we'd be great. And, you never know what could have happened unless you try. I can't promise to be perfect. I'll make mistakes. I'll get shy around you. I'm nervous. But yesterday, when the weather was terrifying, and I was in my church freaking out, all I kept thinking was how much I wanted to be with you. How you'd comfort me and make me feel better just by being there. I think it's time I gave this a shot. Gave us a shot.

Goodness Gracious.

I haven't been on here in a while. I forgot my password, and then never took the time to look it up and all that jazz. Well, I've been having a great week actually. I saw Toy Story 3 which just makes everything better. And I've become a lot more open to the fact that the guy I'm meant to be with is out there somewhere. It hurts knowing that one of my really good friends is after a boy I've liked for a really long time- but I'm not holding her back. She's a great person and she deserves him. I'm the one that needs to step back, look at the bigger picture, and realize that he's out there somewhere. He's looking for me too.

Tell me; Am I crazy? Or is this more than a crush?

Starting this today.

30 days of letters
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Done.

I'm sorry about that last post. I'm just angry. But it's summer. I'm not going to let anything bother me that much. You're living your own life. I can't tell you what to do, and I'm guessing you wouldn't listen anyways. I wish you the best of luck. Though I'm pretty sure you'll get whatever you want. You kind of always do.

This summer's going to be different. I don't want to cry in my room because of you. I want to have a great time! And I'm sorry I'm coming off as really mean right now. I just am in shock I guess. I don't know how else to describe how I'm feeling besides hurt, crushed, disappointed, and willing. Willing to go past it, and let you win. Again.

I'm just freaking tired of it.

I can't explain how much I dislike you right now. Everyone thinks you're so sweet and innocent, when you're not. Listen, I love you. I'd never deny that. I think you're awesome when we can hangout and not have to worry about anything. But honestly. Why would you do this to your best friend? Do you know how much she loves and cares for you? Do you even realize how lucky you are to have her? Yeah, that's right. YOU'RE lucky to have HER. It's not the other way around right now. You're being selfish and rude and not even caring about the people you 'care the most about.' Now, you're hurting me. I realize I have no chance with him anymore. But out of every single guy on the whole fricking planet, you have to choose him. Whatever. It's your life. Have a good one. Cause I'm done. I'm done pretending I'm okay with it. I never was, and I never will be. I just can't believe you. I know this is one small chapter of life, but this isn't how it's supposed to be. I have a suggestion for you; Think about other people before yourself. I've been doing it my whole life, and even though I want you happy, I don't want you happy with him.

What kills me is I'd never say ANY of that to your face.

So much to say; yet no words will come out.

Basically, I'm just sorry I'm not the perfect daughter. I'm sorry that I'm selfish, and arrogant, and rude. I'm sorry I spend money right and left on stupid things I probably don't need. I'm sorry my grades have been pretty bad this year. I'm sorry I'm stressed out all the time. I'm sorry I don't live up to your expectations anymore. I'm sorry I try my best, when it's never enough. But most importantly, I'm just sorry in general. I know I disappoint you. And, I'm just sorry.

Truth;

I wish I didn't have big boobs. UGH. I HATE swimsuit season.

I wish you couldn't figure me out, but you'd always want to know what I was about. I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset. I wish you thought I was the reason you were in the world.

I love this boy! :) I'm gonna miss seeing him everyday in choir.

School's Out Tomorrow.

It's kind of a bittersweet moment for me. I mean, I'm totally excited for the summer. I have so many fun things planned and I'm just so ready to sleep in, swim, hangout with my friends, and just have an amazing time. Then I think, "Wow. I'm a Junior in highschool." WHERE ON EARTH DID ALL THE TIME GO?! This is so nuts.