Going crazy...

My uncle lives with my family and I. I love him to death, but ever since he’s been living here- he’s been getting on my nerves. It’s been two years now and he has no job. He doesn’t pay for food, rent, cell phone bill, anything. I feel horrible because there’s this part of me that wants him to get out of my house and there’s another part that tells me he needs us. But the thing is, he’s the most ungrateful person I’ve ever known. He lives in the room next door to mine, so I can’t even play my music without worrying he’s going to get angry at me. He’s always swearing on the phone, and even says stuff about us thinking we can’t hear him. We’ve made huge sacrifices for him, and he doesn’t even care. We pay for pretty much everything aside from his car insurance, and he still feels the need to be rude and just flat out mean.

I feel bad for my parents because they’re both sick of all the nonsense, but can’t bring themselves to say anything. As for me, I used to consider him my favorite uncle. Now he lives with me and I never speak to him. Ever. It’s really sad. I wish he could get his act together. I hate coming home and feeling like a stranger in my own house. Things are SO awkward when it’s just me and him at home. Seriously, it shouldn’t be that way at all. He hogs the entire family room, so when I get home and just want to relax and unwind, I can’t go lay on the couch because he’s down there. Here’s the real kicker though; since he has no job, he does that all day. And when I’m home from a long day at school, I can’t even have some time to myself. I know it may sound silly and like I’m completely over exaggerating everything, but after two years of it- I think you’d get sick of it too.

I guess this was more of a rant. So…yeah. Sorry ‘bout that. I just needed to get it out of my system.

Corruption Number Two.

Girl #3 likes Boy #3.
Boy #3 is a crazy fool who doesn't know anything about life.
Girl #3 is going nuts due to the actions of Boy #3.

Conclusion- Boys are stupid.

Corruption.

Girl #1 likes Boy #1.
Girl #2 likes Boy #1.
Boy #2 likes Girl #1.
Boy #1 likes ...no one...?

I have great friends.

And I'm a very blessed girl because they all put up with my nonsense and I wouldn't trade them for anything else in the world.

Meer.

:) I love life right now. When I "meer", even though it may be annoying, you'll know I'm happy :)

Everything's Okay.

I need to stop telling myself otherwise. Yeah, there will be days where I sit here and cry but I’m fine. I’m alive, and I’m breathing. I’ll get hurt, but that’s life. Things will get better. I’m a very lucky person and I need to stop trying to convince myself otherwise. God’s got a plan for my life, and I know the way things play out now is only because He has a purpose for my life. Hello, positive new Erin :)

So last night...

I had such a great time. SUCH A GREAT TIME OH MY GOODNESS. I love country music. Mix that with some great people that, some of which, I haven't even met before, and you get an amazing night with some amazing and hilarious people.

I'm such a lucky girl, who's blessed with great friends. Whether it be sitting at someone's house watching a movie, or going to a Rascal Flatts concert, I always have an amazing time.

It all sucks though because I feel like I have like 10 different groups of friends. (Not really, that was totally exaggerated lol) But I feel like it. I hate it because when I hangout with one group, I always wonder what all my other friends are doing and if they're angry or upset I'm not there. I can't please everyone. I'm only one person. But I feel like there's something I need to do, and I'm going to do it. I realize that someone along the way, or multiple people, will confront me about it and think that I'm ditching my friends to hangout with other people but it's okay because I know that's not true. I know that I'm just doing this for ME. I want these people in my life, and I'm putting them there. I will always love every single one of my friends, and the ones that don't know that aren't really my friends I guess.

Well. Off to church.

I think the way my life is headed right now is a good thing.

I know that this year is going to be tough with all the school work, but I feel like this year is going to be different. I just need to keep my focus, and keep my head above water. It’s easy to drown when I feel overwhelmed with school, speech, friends, family, etc. I need to make the time for people I never get to see, because I miss them and I really want to be closer to them as well as all the people I see and am close to already. I have to make some changes, so bear with me. I’m no where near perfect, but I have to do this for me. I love all of my friends, and it’s time I started showing some of them that.

TODAY WAS REALLY FUN

I'm sad that summer's over. But I'm excited to see what the new school year brings. Please, Lord.. don't let me stress out to much this year. I don't think I'll be able to handle it. (That's the thing...I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just pray he keeps me sane and helps me make it.)

Whatever

hopefully today is a great day. I think it will be.

This is why I'd never bail on someone. I'd never just walk away.

Because someone who I loved with everything I had at that time, walked out of my life without a second glance. My heart was left broken, and still to this very waking day, I'm left picking up pieces. Everything seemed to fall downhill from there when I got to high school. Friends leaving me, speech taking over my life, bad grades, etc. But when I meet someone who has changed my life and who is always there for me- I'll never just leave you. Never. We might loose contact, like my LV friends. But I'm trying as best as I can. I just can't believe some people view me as the kind of person who just up and leaves her best friends. Am I really that horrible? Apparently I am.

Why am I such a bad friend?

I can never do anything right. School hasn't even started yet, and I already feel too overwhelmed. I feel like every little thing I do is being judged, and I'm never scoring high. I have amazing friends. I really do. After my best friends and I from LV kind of drifted when we entered high school, I found so many friends that I have things in common with. I can honestly say with my entire heart that I love them more than words even describe. I never thought I'd find anyone else that made me feel the way my 'old group' did, but I know that they do. Sure, I want so badly to rekindle what I had with my old friends. Is that such a crime? They've been there for me since the second grade. We just lost a little contact due to school things, but I want and I need to be there for them. Just because we're not as close as we used to be doesn't mean we can't be that way again. But now I feel like when I try to hangout with both groups, people get angry with me and see me as a backstabbing person who is 'too good' for anyone. I hate this so much. I must be a pretty sucky friend. Awesome.

OH MY GOODNESS

I'M TIRED

Junior Year

Will be amazing. I can feel it inside me. Something great is going to happen. I don't know what, but it'll be great.

I'm actually proud of myself.

I know who I am, and that's a start. No, I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. No, I don't know if I'll ever find a boyfriend. No, I don't know who I'll be friends with in 10 years. No, I don't know what college I want to attend. No, I don't know why I still have feelings for someone I should be over. No, I don't know how to fix everything. No, I don't know what to say to my friends sometimes. But Yes, I know who Erin Marie Walsh is. And she knows that God is going to lead her to where she needs to be. In HIS timing. Not hers.

You deserve so much more than me.

It's time I stopped doing this to you, as much as I like you. I'm just not ready. It's as simple as that.

I really have nothing to say other than this;

I am happy. I am blessed. And I am living my life day by day. It's great.

Dear God,

I'm sorry I haven't been as faithful as I should be. I've strayed and gotten lost but you've always been here for me. I've always loved you and I always will. I'm sorry that I yell at you sometimes. I get angry. But I'm so thankful for my life on this earth. Please continue to guide and direct me where you want me. I love you.

Love, Erin.

Life

it's beautiful.
it's frustrating.
it's difficult.
it's amazing.
it's tiring.
it's magnificent.
it's boring.
it's splendid.
it's complicated.
it's wonderful.
it's different every day.
But the best thing about it is that it's yours. We each have one. Live it the way you want to. Live it so that you're happy. You deserve happiness. We all do.

I'm going to a Bra Store today. Lol.

And I'm on the site right now. It says;

"Bras are made generically. Women are not."

And then it goes on to her saying how she'll help find the right bra for anyone. So. I'm like really excited. That's probably a weird thing to be excited about but I don't care :)

I am so confused.

There's this one side of me that's screaming "Go for it!" You'll never know what could have been unless you try it, right?! He makes you feel so good about yourself, and you know you'd always be happy around him. He's so sweet, and genuinely cares about you. Forget about what other people would say! It's your life, not theirs.

..and then there's this other side,

No. It's just not the right time yet. If you don't feel 100% then why jump into a relationship? Mom says the point in dating is to find a husband for when you're ready to get married, and I'm not ready for THAT yet. I like being single. I like having my options open, but he's always been there. Don't jump into this and ruin your friendship.

UGH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

Honestly, I hate myself today.

I feel so ugly. I feel disgusted with myself. Honestly, why has society made it seem like the normal thing for girls to be stick thin and drop dead gorgeous? That's not even real. I've cried for hours because I went to a bathing suit store and came out with nothing. Again. I can't take this anymore. I don't feel pretty, regardless of what people tell me. I'm so self-conscious about the way I look and I wish I wasn't. I know that God made me this way, but why? Why couldn't He have given my body to someone else, and let me have the cute one that fits into every item of clothing? It's just not fair. And I hate myself for saying all that. I'm just, I'm just sad and I feel kind of hopeless at this point. I was supposed to hangout with one of my best friends today, (Mackenzie, that's you) but my phone broke so we took it to the store and they said they'd fix it. In the meantime, I went to that bathing suit store with my mom and cried the whole way home because NOTHING looked good on me. NOTHING ever does. Then we went back to Sprint, and they said my phone was basically unfixable. So... that was great. I guess I'm getting a new one tomorrow. But I still can't believe how repulsed I am at myself. I wish I could feel beautiful in a bathing suit. I wish I could feel beautiful, really in anything. It's sad that I don't. It's sad that anyone doesn't. I have all these great friends, and I listen to their problems and worries all the time, and I have no problem with that. I guess I just don't want to tell anyone any of my problems, or my worries. I don't want to put something else on top of them. I can worry about myself. But today, I feel like nothing I do is right. Nothing I wear looks good. And I'm sitting here alone in my bedroom crying. I guess it's life, right?

I need to follow my heart.

It doesn't matter what anyone else says. The judgement that I might face doesn't matter to me anymore. I need to get out there, stop hiding in this shell I've created, and live my life. You are what makes me happy. You. Why is that hard to admit to myself? I like you, for everything you are. You make me feel like I'm not just another person on the planet. You make me feel like I'm not your average every day girl. I need to stop blocking myself from seeing that the happiness I've been wanting is sitting right infront of me. You've been there from the start. I'm sorry I've kept you waiting. You deserve someone much better than me. But I think this could work. I think we'd be great. And, you never know what could have happened unless you try. I can't promise to be perfect. I'll make mistakes. I'll get shy around you. I'm nervous. But yesterday, when the weather was terrifying, and I was in my church freaking out, all I kept thinking was how much I wanted to be with you. How you'd comfort me and make me feel better just by being there. I think it's time I gave this a shot. Gave us a shot.

Goodness Gracious.

I haven't been on here in a while. I forgot my password, and then never took the time to look it up and all that jazz. Well, I've been having a great week actually. I saw Toy Story 3 which just makes everything better. And I've become a lot more open to the fact that the guy I'm meant to be with is out there somewhere. It hurts knowing that one of my really good friends is after a boy I've liked for a really long time- but I'm not holding her back. She's a great person and she deserves him. I'm the one that needs to step back, look at the bigger picture, and realize that he's out there somewhere. He's looking for me too.

Tell me; Am I crazy? Or is this more than a crush?

Starting this today.

30 days of letters
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Done.

I'm sorry about that last post. I'm just angry. But it's summer. I'm not going to let anything bother me that much. You're living your own life. I can't tell you what to do, and I'm guessing you wouldn't listen anyways. I wish you the best of luck. Though I'm pretty sure you'll get whatever you want. You kind of always do.

This summer's going to be different. I don't want to cry in my room because of you. I want to have a great time! And I'm sorry I'm coming off as really mean right now. I just am in shock I guess. I don't know how else to describe how I'm feeling besides hurt, crushed, disappointed, and willing. Willing to go past it, and let you win. Again.

I'm just freaking tired of it.

I can't explain how much I dislike you right now. Everyone thinks you're so sweet and innocent, when you're not. Listen, I love you. I'd never deny that. I think you're awesome when we can hangout and not have to worry about anything. But honestly. Why would you do this to your best friend? Do you know how much she loves and cares for you? Do you even realize how lucky you are to have her? Yeah, that's right. YOU'RE lucky to have HER. It's not the other way around right now. You're being selfish and rude and not even caring about the people you 'care the most about.' Now, you're hurting me. I realize I have no chance with him anymore. But out of every single guy on the whole fricking planet, you have to choose him. Whatever. It's your life. Have a good one. Cause I'm done. I'm done pretending I'm okay with it. I never was, and I never will be. I just can't believe you. I know this is one small chapter of life, but this isn't how it's supposed to be. I have a suggestion for you; Think about other people before yourself. I've been doing it my whole life, and even though I want you happy, I don't want you happy with him.

What kills me is I'd never say ANY of that to your face.

So much to say; yet no words will come out.

Basically, I'm just sorry I'm not the perfect daughter. I'm sorry that I'm selfish, and arrogant, and rude. I'm sorry I spend money right and left on stupid things I probably don't need. I'm sorry my grades have been pretty bad this year. I'm sorry I'm stressed out all the time. I'm sorry I don't live up to your expectations anymore. I'm sorry I try my best, when it's never enough. But most importantly, I'm just sorry in general. I know I disappoint you. And, I'm just sorry.

Truth;

I wish I didn't have big boobs. UGH. I HATE swimsuit season.

I wish you couldn't figure me out, but you'd always want to know what I was about. I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset. I wish you thought I was the reason you were in the world.

I love this boy! :) I'm gonna miss seeing him everyday in choir.

School's Out Tomorrow.

It's kind of a bittersweet moment for me. I mean, I'm totally excited for the summer. I have so many fun things planned and I'm just so ready to sleep in, swim, hangout with my friends, and just have an amazing time. Then I think, "Wow. I'm a Junior in highschool." WHERE ON EARTH DID ALL THE TIME GO?! This is so nuts.

Dear Finals,

Please go easy on me. I didn't study as much as I should have. My life is too crazy for that! I've learned a lot during the school year, but I think the most important lessons couldn't have been taught in books. I've learned that; yes. People change. Promises break. People move on. But the one thing that matters is how you deal with it, and who's there to guide you on your very worst days. I've found real friends, and I've realized what I want. I don't know everything there is to know, but I'm learning. I may be wrong, but isn't all that more important than... Pythagorean theorem? Or.. mole conversions? Let's be honest here. I'm almost a Junior in high school. I need to learn things that will actually make a difference in who I am. I do have a thank you though. Thank you DGS for introducing me to people I'll never forget.

I just don't get it.

I know you like me. But why do I always feel like I fail you? Like, I'm not anything you want? I never feel like I mean anything to you when we talk. I'm just a bother. This hasn't always been true, but lately it has been. It's almost like you enjoy to make me feel badly about myself. I know you enjoy to confuse and bug me, but it's getting out of hand. You say we're never going to talk again after one week. What's up with that? I can't handle this.

Hello There, World :)

My name's Erin. This is where I'll write about my life. Enjoy.